Mutually Assured Torture
by Mikaylah
Summary: Henry asks Shawn to do something. And this time Shawn listens. Who would've thought that one simply request could go so wrong? And why is that, that whenever something goes that way, Lassiter is there? And why is he blaming Shawn, when it's definitely not his fault! Oneshot.


_**Hello everyone! You wouldn't believe how it is exhausting to think like traumatized Shawn in Disgruntled Pineapples Can Cut Deeper Than Words. Confusing too. So to take my mind of it, I decided to write oneshot with no serious plot whatsoever.**_

* * *

Rules. It was something he resented, bended and in a good day, ignored. But even he knew that some rules should be always followed. Especially the ones he made up himself.

Rule number 1: Don't listen to his father.  
Rule number 2: Don't follow trigger-happy detectives into secluded areas.  
Rule number 3: Don't listen to his father.

Because these rules actually made sense. Of course they did. They had to. He made them up.

In one single day, he broke them all. It was really surprising how could he forget the most important rule. But he counted with it, that's why the rule number 1 was also the rule number 3. Not really helpful when he forgets about both of them, though. The same day he visited his father for no apparent reason. Well, he had a reason. But it was more 'reason' than reason. And when it comes to Shawn, his 'reason' was always something really stupid. That day, he needed to find his long lost Thundercat. Not that he outright needed it, no. And it would've waited another few years. But Gus declared war. Their army - Thundercats. And it would not be the real Thundercats without Cheetara. She was the soul of entire team. And Gus didn't have her in his collection. So he needed to find her. Which meant he had to go to his old room.

When he entered his father's house, he definitely did not expect to find him on couch, with tears in his eyes in front of TV. Because that couldn't be his father, no. His father couldn't cry. He literally had no ability to cry. Shawn always suspected he was born without tear ducts. Or maybe they were removed, without anesthesia of course, as a part of initiation ritual. Shawn froze on spot, still in the door-frame to the living room. This was not normal. Maybe his father got snatched and this was just imposter. But then of course, one question would come to mind – who the hell would want to impersonate his father? Whatever it was, one thing was sure, it was deadly dangerous to stay there. Because whoever this was, it wasn't his father. He wanted to turn around, but then his father looked right at him. No escape now, so Shawn came into the room. He warily eyed his father. His eyes were still shining with tears. It looked like he was going to say something, but then he suddenly inhaled and loudly sneezed. _Oh, right. Just sick._ _Not an alien replicator._

"Shawn, I want to talk to you." his father said, giving him strange look.

"If this is about that tear gas accident last week, it was completely harmless. And you got rid of all vermin." Shawn said, still eying him suspiciously .

"Not including yourself?"

"Oh, Dad. When I see your love, my heart is melting. It's touching, really." Shawn said, putting his hand on his chest in mocking manner.

Henry ignored it. "I really need to talk to you."

"Well, I need pineapple with jerk chicken flavor. Ultimate and flawless hybrid. Can you help me out?"

Henry was visibly exasperated. "Could you just listen to me?" he asked and sneezed again.

"I'd rather not to. And preferably I won't listen to you from the other side of town. I'll just find something in my room. It'll be quick." Shawn said and was backing up from the room when his dad talked again.

"Damn it Shawn, just listen. I want to ask you a favor."

"I will not massage your feet."

Henry ignored his comment, again. "I need you to pick up something from the post office."

"Can't it wait?" Shawn asked, still putting distance between the two of them.

"If it could wait, I would just pick it up myself."

"I'm busy-"

"Free lunch for whole week." Henry offered. Shawn eyed him suspiciously again. This needed clarification. Because there's lunch and then there's _lunch_.

"When you say lunch.."

"Of your choice." Henry said. Shawn didn't know what to think. His father was obviously desperate. What was that package he needed to pick up? Now he definitely needed to find out.

"Okay, I'll do it."

Henry narrowed his eyes. "And promise me you won't open it. It's important."

"You mean _important_ important?" Shawn asked with wide eyes.

"Yes, important important _important. _Don't open it. Promise."

"Is this like life and death situation?"

Henry sighed. "Shawn."

"Fine, fine, I promise."

"I'm serious, Shawn. If you open it, I won't buy you anything."

"Geez Dad, I said I promise. Do I have to go right now?"

"Yes! It's really important." Henry said and Shawn left the house. He completely forgot about Cheetara, because this was just weird. His father said 'important' five times in 30 seconds. What could be so damn important? He needed to find a way to open that package without his dad finding out he did so.

* * *

Shawn successfully picked up the package and was walking down the street, studying it. It wasn't that big, just eight by ten inches, with label 'fragile' on it. No ticking sound. So no old school bomb. He wanted to ignore the fragile sign and rattle with it a little when he spotted familiar face walk into an abandoned alley. Probably it wouldn't be good idea to follow him. It was real possibility he'd shoot him. Especially when there were no people around. But Shawn was curious what he was doing here. So he followed him into an alley, then into one of the buildings. Inside it looked even more abandoned than in the alley. Shawn spotted opened metal doors and walked to them. He noticed his target in the small room, going through something in small box. It was now or never. He had to find out what was going on here. Maybe there was some case he could solve for him. Confidently, with his head up, he quickly walked to the room. But on his way in, he tripped over something and heard strange metallic sound as he, quite painfully, came in.

"Ouch!" he exclaimed and tried to shake the pain of his foot. With that, the one he was following looked up and his eyes widened.

"Spencer! Don't let it close!" he yelled. Shawn turned around and saw the door close with loud click.

"Oups."

"You idiot!"

"Lassie! Fancy seeing you here." Shawn said with a grin. Lassiter was coming right at him, with indescribable rage in his eyes. For a moment Shawn was worried that he would shoot him, but the weapon stayed holstered. Lassiter walked right by him and studied the door. Then he gave up and muttered: "Great."

"Don't worry Lassie, I'm just gonna call for help." Shawn said and pull out his cell. But when he attempted to make a call, he failed.

"I don't have reception."

"Don't say. Maybe it has something to do with that metal room we're in." Lassiter said with hardly concealed venom in his tone. And if that wasn't enough, he was killing Shawn with his eyes. Shawn suddenly felt nervous.

"What about your phone?" Shawn asked hopefully.

"There is no cell reception, Spencer. My phone won't work either. We need to wait," Lassiter said and looked at his watch, "eight hours before somebody comes in here."

"We're trapped?"

"Yes, thanks to you."

"What?! It's not my fault!" Shawn defended himself.

"Oh, really? So it was me then, who let the door close?"

"Well, when you put it that way, I can see why would you think it. But on my defense, the door was obviously flawed."

"Just shut up, Spencer." Lassiter hissed and shoot him another killer glance. It looked almost homicidal now.

"You know, for a fact that I'm in a safe, I feel very unsafe."

Lassiter looked at him as if he was an idiot. Not that he didn't think that always and Shawn knew it, but the look he was giving him now was too much even for him. "It's not a safe. It's a freezer."

"In freezer we would be freezing. It's obviously a safe masked as a freezer." Shawn contradicted.

"Or it's just switched off. And that wouldn't be very effective safe, if they could just pick a simple lock, pull the handle and open it, would it?" Lassiter smirked.

"I think you underestimate the power of camouflage."

"More likely I underestimated your idiocy. You reached a whole new level I didn't know you were even capable of." Lassiter said, still killing him with his eyes. Shawn decided that for now, it would be better if he looked around.

Freezer or safe, this place was completely empty. Except the box Lassie guarded like a pitbull. That was another mystery he needed to figure out. But first thing first. He sat down by the wall opposite to Lassiter and began to study his own box. It still didn't tick. He rattled with it a little, but he didn't hear anything. It was terrifying he had no idea what was inside. Usually he was so good in this game, especially on Christmas. But now, he came up blank. And he didn't want to risk opening it. Not yet anyway.

Shawn looked at Lassiter who was leaning against the opposite wall. He was still throwing daggers with his eyes at him. But other than that he looked calm. In fact, he looked too calm. Shawn was afraid that this meant the proverbial calm before the storm. He only waited when Lassiter pulls out his gun. Because really, it was just matter of time. How many times did he threatened to shoot him? And now they were alone in confined space. That just wasn't going to end well.

"I think you should look at this from the bright side." Shawn said.

"Oh, really?"

"Safe or not, at least we won't freeze to death." Shawn said with a smile.

"You know Spencer, for some reason, it's just not very comforting." Lassiter said with a look that would send entire army of Vikings running and screaming. And Shawn had no idea how he managed to stay more or less calm. All that hostility towards him wasn't very pleasant. He could deal with it outside, when he had various escape routs. But while trapped in one room? It was very dangerous. He didn't want to get shot. Again. And of course there was this matter of absolutely empty room. Which meant he had little to no means of entertainment. That could be much more dangerous than gunshot wound.

"What are you even doing here?" he asked.

"None of your business." Lassiter dismissed him.

"What's in the box?" Shawn tried.

"None of your business either."

"Is there anything what is my business?" Shawn asked with raised eyebrows.

"No."

Okay. Not that he didn't expect it, but still it was little disconcerting. He was locked here, for god knows how long, and he was bored. He needed to do something and Lassiter wasn't cooperating. How was he supposed to survive this?

* * *

Shawn was dying. He was definitely dying. That boredom was so endless and absolute that he felt like it was consuming him. And Lassiter still wasn't cooperating. He tried to intrigue him in several games, but Lassiter just didn't participate. Well, time for another one.

"Chainsaw." Shawn said, looking intently at Lassiter.

"What?" Lassiter asked confused.

"I shouldn't accept this one, but just for you, I will. Tripwire."

"Now is not the time for your psychic mumbo jumbo." Lassiter said, frantically looking around. When Shawn thought about it, chainsaw and tripwire probably weren't the right words to say. Not in the abandoned building, not in the locked safe/freezer and definitely not while he was playing psychic. Not that Lassiter believed it for a moment, no. But he definitely learned to acknowledge what Shawn was saying, because he was usually right.

"Now, Lassie, this way you're going to lose! Last letter-first letter. I know you know it. Everybody knows it. You need to say a word starting with letter E. Go." Shawn explained with a grin and Lassiter rolled his eyes.

"I'm not playing one of your stupid games, Spencer."

"And you still won't tell me what are you doing here?"

"No." Lassiter said and Shawn sighed.

"Come on, Lassie. I'm bored. Give me something. How do you know the exact time of when somebody comes in here?"

"Will you finally shut up if I tell you?" Lassiter said, irritated.

"Sure."

"Fine. I have this case, some drug dealers robbed each other, one of them killed a bystander in the process. We caught one, but the other one, the murderer, is hiding. But he still wants his stuff. Because he doesn't know we caught the other one, we're gonna try to flush him out. We wanted to use this building. It's owned by the city and nobody ever comes in here. I was here to check it out before we set it up. We're on schedule, so at 6 o'clock sharp, others will come here to do so."

"So what's in the box?"

"Just a junk. But in your hands, dangerous and life-threatening junk, so you won't come anywhere near it."

Well, that was one mystery. He still wanted to know what was in that box that would be so dangerous in his hands, but that could wait. Now if he could solve the other mystery too. He still wasn't prepared to open the package, but he also had no idea how could he figure out what was in it. Maybe if he'll just think about his father's recent days, he'll manage it.

* * *

He didn't. And that wasn't the real problem, no. He looked at Lassiter, who was still leaning against the wall with unreadable expression.

"Lassie." Shawn addressed him.

"What?"

"I think we have a problem."

"What is it now?"Lassiter asked, not hiding his annoyance.

"I need to use a bathroom."

"Don't you dare!"

"But I need to." Shawn objected.

"Spencer, I have a gun and it's loaded. You will not do it in here!" Lassiter protested, fuming.

"Are you saying that we're in bullet-for-a-piss situation?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying." Lassiter confirmed, glint in his eye.

"So what do I get for.. you know?" Shawn asked, not really sure if he wanted to know.

"You know what, Spencer. Just try it and you'll find out soon enough." Lassiter replied and Shawn was sure now – he didn't want to know. But still, he had to ask.

"I don't wanna know, do I?"

"See? There's a hope for you afterall."

"I still need to.." Shawn started, but Lassiter interrupted him.

"Forget it."

"What are you gonna do? Take my bladder hostage?" Shawn said sarcastically.

"That's actually good idea." Lassiter said with a smirk. Shawn curiously looked at him. It terrified him that he had so serious expression. He really looked like he would shoot him. So maybe Shawn could hold it. For a moment.

* * *

Shawn was studying the package again, when he caught a glimpse of Lassie. He looked up and saw him shift the weight from one leg to another.

"Lassie! You too!" Shawn exclaimed with huge grin.

"What?"

Shawn closed his eyes and put hands to his temple. "Spirits are telling me that you need to use a bathroom."

"They're wrong." Lassiter said, but he couldn't hide how uncomfortable he was. Shawn could still handle his own problem, but when he looked at Lassiter, it seemed that he was in much worse shape.

"They're never wrong." Shawn said and Lassiter gave him one of his you-must-be-joking looks. So Shawn continued. "Okay, maybe they are occasionally misguided, but they're definitely not wrong."

Lassiter didn't pay him any attention. He was still shifting his weight, but much more noticeably.

"Dude, just relieve yourself!" Shawn said, but Lassiter ignored him. He looked at the package Shawn held in his hands and apparently decided that he needed distraction, because he asked:

"What is that?"

"No idea." Shawn answered honestly.

"You're playing with it for hours now. Why don't just open it?"

"It's package for my dad. It could be a trick. I need to tread carefully." Shawn said, putting the package on the ground. "But we have more pressing issues, Lassie. I think you should release your hostage. Then we could do what we both want. My bladder would go into one corner, yours into another. It would be beneficial for the community."

"What community? There's only two of us. In a freezer. Very temporarily."

"But if you won't be able to handle it, the humiliation won't be at all temporary. Especially after they find us."

"You worry about yourself, Spencer. I can handle it." Lassiter said. Shawn looked at him and saw that he definitely won't be able to hold it for long. And he himself either. Maybe Lassiter would be first, but Shawn would follow him. Very quickly. Maybe if he could find distraction for both of them, something terrible was not going to happen.

"I know I'm gonna regret this." Shawn said and Lassiter questionably raised his eyebrows. Shawn continued. "Tell me about your guns."

"You _want_ me to tell you about my guns?"

"Yes, very much."

"Where's the catch?" Lassiter asked and eyed Shawn suspiciously.

"No catch. Just tell me, please." Shawn said and braced himself for the torture that was going to follow. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But when he looked at Lassiter's cheerful face, he knew it would.

* * *

It definitely was. He thought his dad was bad. But as a torturer, he had so much to improve. Especially in comparison with Lassiter. He was ranting about his fourth Glock – or was it fifth? - when they heard voices. Lassiter stopped in mid-sentence, came to the door and began to bang on them. Didn't take long and the door opened, revealing Buzz's confused face. Before he could say anything, Lassiter rushly barked,"Not a word.", and ran off. Shawn took his box, completely forgetting about all that dangerous junk in another box, and followed him. He had no idea if there was anything resembling bathroom in this building, so he decided for the alley.

In the alley, after he was done, he looked at the package again. After those agonizing hours, he had no ability to guess what was inside whatsoever. After all day with Lassiter in safe/freezer he really didn't care about some promise or possible tricks. So he opened the package. And he was rewarded. Of course he was. As soon as he opened it, purple paint exploded to his face. After initial shock he spotted something tightly wrapped in black polythene. When he unwrapped it, he found a note.

"_Dye pack is a bitch. Lunch is on you."_

He was going to kill his father. And he just knew, there was no way he would end up in jail for it. Every jury in the entire country would call it 'justified'.


End file.
